There will never be another you

Five years ago you took your last breath. I woke up at 3 a.m. this morning and remembered the moment when life as I knew it, ended. I wanted you to go for your sake, but I wanted you to stay for mine. I couldn't imagine a life without you then, and I still can't imagine one now. Even though you were already gone, you were still breathing so I didn't have to say goodbye. And then you stopped.

Nothing is right without you. Every moment, every memory, every song, every accomplishment, I want to share with you. I miss your laugh, your smile, your dancing, your jokes, your kindness, your hugs, your voice, your eyes. I see the boys and Hazel and I think of the joy they would bring you, and you them. So glad that Andy, Summer, Mary and Cooper had the privilege of knowing and loving you. I'm thankful that Michael knew you, but wish you could have seen us together. I close my eyes and I can see you so clearly. I had a dream about you a while back and it was so real that when I woke up, I couldn't stop crying. It was too painful to let go of you, even if it was only a dream.

I want to believe in fairy tales, and God, and reincarnation and anything that can make me hold on to some proof that you are still around. Are you in Hazel? Did you bring Michael and I together? Are you watching over us? I don't know what to believe. I only know that I feel your presence every day and that you will live on in our lives forever. You were the best mother, the best grandmother, the best friend.

My only hope for myself is that my children and grandchildren can honor me in the way that this family honors you. Thank you for being my role model. Thank you for teaching me how to love and laugh, even when the times are tough. And thank you for being wonderful you. In our eyes, mom, you always have been and always will be, Saint Peg.

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies,
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meets in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which Heaven to gaudy day denies.
-Lord Byron