Zen shmen

Do you have to look back to look forward? We ate dinner last night under the trees, loving every moment life has to offer. He's let go of all of it. The mistakes, the self-loathing, the guilt. For him, it's easy. He's come a long way, on a crooked road to find happiness, and he never looks back. He has a hard time remembering the bad stuff. He's filtered out the few good memories of the past 30 years. He looks at our black and white photo and says, "You know, everyone is right, I really do look younger." As Joni Mitchell says, "Happiness is the best face lift."

It's not as easy for me. I still have flashbacks. My mother lying in the hospital bed dying. I try to remember her healthy, vibrant face and body, but memories of death take over the images. The constant fear of death. My sister tells me it's a good thing, to fear death. She says it makes living all the more important; that the fear keeps you in check. I would take a frontal lobotomy if I knew it would take the fear away.

Can you move forward without looking back? If so, how do you do it? I used to accuse Michael of being a zen wannabe; living his life out of balance; out of character and form. Once he claimed his life, he never looked back. Sure, it was one of those long soul-searching journeys we hear about. But what about those of us who don't get zen? The ones who try and meditate, but their mind wanders off to the dark crevices of the brain.

I wish I could erase the sad memories of the past and replace them with life as I now know it. But the journalist in me keeps asking the five w's and the h. Who, what, when, where, why...and how?
Who will die next? What will happen in the world tomorrow? When will I die? Where do we go when we die, if anywhere? Why do people die too soon? How can life be so difficult for some? I can go on and on. If Socrates is right and the unexamined life is not worth living, am I wrong to ask these questions?

"There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy." - Albert Camus