Eternal optimism

I've seen the picket fences and I've met many of the families who live behind them. To the passersby and the social friends, they appear to be the epitome of the American dream. But what really goes on behind closed doors?

We live behind a big stone wall and iron gates. Our house is filled with love and laughs, friends and family. But even these big stone walls can't always keep the pain of the past from entering.

Summer always told me that her father and I were the only parents in her circle of friends that were still married. We were the rock-and-roll couple, her father, the former rock musician, her mom, the music magazine editor. We dressed up for family portrait Christmas cards, took family vacations, attended all the school events. We appeared normal, in The Osbornes sense, but behind closed doors we were dysfunctional squared.

When we're young, we look to our parents as to what is normal behavior between two people. If we were lucky enough to have Ward and June Cleaver as our parents, we look to them as role models.

But what about the rest of us? If our parents were far from ideal, we vowed to be nothing like them. But soon, behaviors surface that are reminiscent of our parents. Maybe some aren't so obvious. Maybe we don't trust easy, or fall in love unconditionally, or give ourselves freely in fear of being hurt by someone like them, or even worse, of becoming them.

It's easy to say, "Let go of the past." How does one go about letting go of the past, short of undergoing a frontal lobotomy? Does letting go mean that the hurt goes away...or does it just mean that it's put on hold? Or does it mean to simply numb the pain until you can't feel it anymore?

Life goes on. Some of us move on faster than others. Some are left in pain, bleeding on the floor while others start a new life, leaving the past behind. But like those houses with the picket fences, only the people living inside know what really goes on in the house, in the heart, in the head.

I never wanted to live in a house with a picket fence or behind stone walls. I always longed to be among the living. To immerse yourself with the living means you feel emotions, good and bad, pleasant and painful. You can't hide from the past,; you have to make peace with it. To make peace, the walls have to come down, the gates have to stay open.

"I met a woman, she had a mouth like yours, she knew your life, she knew your devils and your deeds and she said, 'Go to him, stay with him if you can, but be prepared to bleed.'" - Joni Mitchell