Christ, I sound like a stupid "Life's Little Instruction Book"

Living alone this past year made me realize a few things. First and foremost, you really do have to take care of you before anyone else - numero uno, baby! Words of advice:

Quit complaining. If your life sucks or lacks passion and inspiration, change it.
If you hate your job, find another one. Never go to work dreading the day, too much time is spent there.
If you're involved with someone who makes you wonder why you're still with them, get out, there's someone else out there for you.
Being alone with the real you is better than being miserable with someone.
Learn something new every day, you can never be too smart.
Be passionate about everything you do. Yes, everything.
Put the cell phone down. Do you really need to call someone while you're driving or are you just bored out of your fucking mind? If so, download some new music and listen to it so you don't sound like a dinosaur at parties. And when you hear a song you like, refrain from saying out loud, "Her voice reminds me of Pat Benatar."
Don't try to change people. You'll constantly be disappointed.
Don't buy shit because it's on sale or skimp a few pennies to buy plain wrap crap. There's nothing better than a good cup of Illy espresso, some organic fruit and a slice of La Brea Bakery sesame seed baguette toasted with some imported Brie. And those "Flashdance" shirts with the collars and sleeves cut off never really came back. That's why they're on sale.
Take out the good china and light the candles, even for yourself.
If you want to be a writer, a poet, an artist, or king or queen of the fucking world, stop talking about it. Even if you write a paragraph each day you'll end up with something other than an uncrossed entry on a stupid New Year's resolution list by the end of the year.
Dress up for no apparant reason. As Fernando Lamas said (in Billy Crystal's voice) 'It's better to look good than to feel good, and you look maaahvalous." It's much more difficult to feel like shit when you're looking good.
Live your life like a character in your favorite movie. Turn on the news if you want a dose of reality, but in your own quiet moments, be Holly Golightly and walk down the street to "Moon River" in your head if it makes you happy.
Never, ever give up. No matter how bad things seem, they can always get better...or worse, which is why you have to enjoy life now.
Drink champagne. I don't know why, just drink it. Aside from the nice buzz you'll get, you'll think you're at a party.
Watch other people's drama from afar but never get caught up in it. Better to take mental notes to use for a future screenplay or novel or reality TV show idea.
Stop dieting. If you're a fatass, you don't need a stupid fucking diet book. It's simple. Quit eating like a goddamn pig. There's a reason you look like this and a diet book isn't going to help. The book doesn't come with self-control.
Live in the present.
Have great sex. If you're with someone who doesn't rock your world, leave. It's not going to get better. Trust me. And all those ads for penis enlargement, well, false advertising.
If someone tells you they're sorry for the same thing they've done many times before, tell them to go fuck themselves and move on. Chances are 99.9 percent they'll do it again. History always repeats itself.
If you have teenagers or adult kids, stop giving them advice you'd never follow yourself and cut the crap about "I would never do that." You know you would and you probably did.
Be yourself. Who cares if you like "American Idol" and read the "National Enquirer." You know you don't watch the History Channel and read Atlantic magazine so stop pretending you do.
Don't put things off. You want to go to Italy or France, find a way to go. You could be dead next year.
Quit blaming other people for your problems. So you had a shitty childhood. You could have been born to a mother who wore a burka.
Don't wait for the time to be right. It never is. Do whatever you want to do now.
Be honest. The truth always gets out and you end up looking like a lying sack of shit.
Stop making lame ass excuses.
Don't be afraid to fly. You'll stay home and find out you have cancer.
Throw away all self-help books.
Remember the words of John Lennon: "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me."