If ever I should leave you....

We returned from Hawaii. Long days spent in bed, on the beach, in each other's arms. He tells me over and over again that he loves me like he's never loved anyone before. He's had some really bad experiences with women. A marriage from hell, and then a sick situation that took him out of the frying pan into the fire. He hates who he let himself become and wonders why he ever gave into things that were so out of character. He wants to be with me but fears I'll hurt him. "You're too good for me," he tells me over and over again.

He settles for the worst. He hates himself for the choices he made and wants to free himself from the chains of the past. Sometimes I think he holds on to it for comfort. He explains the mess he made of his life at the end of his marriage and the time following like this: "It's like the deflated basketball in the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks; you hold on to anything you can for survival, no matter how ugly and disgusting it is." He finds himself trapped in the worst of situations and he longs to be free. He wishes certain people could just "disappear." I tell him to let go of the negative thoughts; that everyone gets what they deserve in the end.

I have no plans of hurting him. I wonder when he'll realize this. He tells me he would never have had the courage to even talk to a woman like me; that it's only because we've known each other for so long that I gave him the time of day. He thinks he doesn't deserve this.

I wonder how someone as accomplished and amazing as he is could have ended up scraping the bottom of the barrel and feeling such self-loathing. But all the compliments in the world can't make someone believe in themself if they don't feel it.

So we return to the real world from the days of sunshine and endless lovemaking, holding each other, laughing, talking, and I wonder if he'll try to self-destruct what we have. Or perhaps he'll finally realize who he is and claim his life. He keeps telling me that "the dam is about to break." He says that when he breaks free from all the shit, I will be drowning in so much love I won't know what to do." I can only hope he can wipe off all the shit and come out smelling like a rose.

"Don't shit where you eat." - Cosmo Casterini