life's a bowl of chiaroscuro

Socrates’ philosophy of life can be summed up in the phrase, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” “Know thyself,” he preached, yet admitted to being as ignorant about himself as everyone else is about their own lives. If Socrates didn’t know himself, how the hell can I possibly expect to?

I live alone now. My apartment looks like something you’d find in Chelsea, hard wood floors, painted, tall ceilings, Old World charm. It’s situated in one of the prime areas of Los Angeles where Alec Baldwin or Paris Hilton can be found sipping coffee on any given day. I work for myself and I teach college which offers lots of time spent alone in this apartment, time alone with me. I’ve never been alone with me. Lots of time to think, reflect, examine, which has led me to this question: Is happiness life’s purpose?

Everyone is on a quest for happiness. “If I could just meet the right guy/girl I’d be happy” or “If I could just lose a few pounds I’d be happy” or “If I could just find a direction for my life I’d be happy.” People swallow Prozac and Paxil to make themselves happy, but is true happiness really attainable in today’s world? Maybe if you’re an idiot, but if you happen to have been blessed, or cursed with a higher intelligence than the general population, can you really be happy while others are suffering? Can you witness the horror of war while singing a happy tune? And what if you’re not sure about God’s existence and the prospect of an afterlife. What if you tend to lean toward the idea that this is it, not a dress rehearsal but the final curtain. Can you zippy-doo-dah through life when you know it’s all going to end?

Friedrich Nietzsche asked, “How do we live in a world without something (a God) that guarantees life has meaning. Before he cracked up, Nietzsche believed there were a few great men or “Ubermenschen” who were capable of rising above the common folk. According to Nietzsche, these men live according to their own values rather than following those imposed by others. (He also attempted to invent a new kind of life-affirming spirituality based on the worship of the Greek god of wine and intoxication- Dionysus). Is it possible to rise above all of this and attain a happy state without the use of drugs?

I’m starting to believe that the quest for happiness is improbable. I’m a true romantic in every sense of the word. I cry to Puccini, weep at Da Vinci, dance to Django and make love to the Gipsy Kings. I walk through the streets of New York with Gershwin in my head and long for gondolas in Venice and moonlight in Paris. And I love big. But life is chiaroscuro- the dark and the light. With all this passion comes a dark side. Am I happy? Sometimes.

"When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side." -Harry Burns