She romaticized life way out of proportion

For as long as I can remember, I've been a hopeless romantic, escaping regularly inside my mind where I can be me. The regular world and its general population for the most part are too caught up in the daily grind to live lives full of passion, romance and wonder. Thus, relating to most people on that level isn't usually easy. That may be why I surround myself with a group of passionate souls who teeter on crazy wonderful.

When I met Bryan, I was so attracted to him. Long blonde hair, English rocker look, blue eyes, I was smitten. I spent the first 11 years of our marriage romanticizing the situation. I was with this rock musician, living in Hollywood. I'm in "the biz" and he's in a band. How Hollywood can you get? Unfortunately, I spent the next 11 years romanticizing the first 11. Someone once said that the one thing that initially attracts you to a person will be the downfall of the relationship. Bryan's "livin' on the edge" way of life lost its sex appeal when his drinking switched from fun to fucked up.

Night after night, I'd lie in bed and watch the routine. Drink till your numb, pass out. Of course, I would be sober which makes things even more intense. It's one thing when two people have an addiction, but when one is watching the addict through sober eyes, it puts a whole new light on the situation. So I dealt with it in the best way possible - denial. He was like Ozzy, right? If Sharon could take it, so could I. But unlike Sharon, I couldn't prop Bryan up on stage and reap the benefits. Couldn't run to Rodeo Drive and charge up the credit card to ease my pain. So I suffered in silence.

Four years ago, I gave the ultimatum: Quit drinking or lose me. This set off a series of broken promises in the quest for sobriety. Two DUI's, bottles of vodka hidden in the closet, the garage, the washing machine. Not a way to live. Nothing romantic about being someone's warden. Everyone has a breaking point. Mine was Thanksgiving.

Maybe it was the vegan meal. Maybe if I had the tryptophan high that turkey induces, I may have remained calm. Or maybe it was the fact that my mother was no longer around to spend holidays with, or Bryan's drunken state. All I remember is looking around thinking, "Nice life you've carved out for yourself." And I snapped. Got in my car and never looked back. Living the romantic life I was cut out to live. An old world romantic apartment in the city, teaching college, and more passion that I know what to do with. Stay tuned.