So if I seem a little out of it, sorry
I've been thinking about Elliott Smith today. Actually, I was thinking about death, as usual. I wondered how anyone could end their life. I know how bad it can get, but to end it. The permanence. To make a decision that things will not and cannot ever get better. I can see how certain things might push you to that state of mind. Losing a child. A terminal cancer diagnosis. Drugs. I can try to put myself in the car with Thelma and Louise or imagine downing a bottle of Xanax. But to take a steak knife and stab yourself in the heart. Wow.
I remember the criticism Bill Maher fell under when he commented that the 9-11 suicide hijackers were not cowards, but very brave. What is bravery anyway? Is it brave to look death in the face and run right toward it? They did. But someone like Elliott Smith or Kurt Cobain. Were they brave enough to end it all or so lost there was no turning back. These are the things I think about at night.
Posted at October 29, 2003 7:05 PM
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and if that doesn't keep you awake, nothing will.
I've never been so down that I've wanted to end it all...though I've been through some pretty spooky, messed up stuff.
I always figured that, if things got bad enough, I'd change my name, dye my hair and move to Arizona or something. You know, start completely over...new town, new friends, new everything...kind of like a self-imposed witness protection program.
But to end it all? To never see the glorious sun again? To never laugh or even cry? I don't want this existence to end.
And to end it brutally, stabbing himself with a knife? Damn. How tragic that he didn't feel he had anything left to live for...
k
p.s. I LOVE/LOVED Kurt Cobain and I know this is ignorant, but his suicide somehow pisses me off...
Even since I was a kid, I'm always interested in the nature of death. Normally, we think that there is such a contrast between death and life. However, I now get to see the point about death; we are actually immortals without parts of human flesh. So it is very difficult to judge the reason why a person commits suicide. Still, we have families and friends and it can be very difficult not to think about how they react to your death. That's why it is necessary to be alive for others.
I went through some really low moments in my early 20s. I spent many a night contemplating what it would be like to not be around, trying to figure out if I'd be strong enough to actually go through the act. Looking back, I don't think I ever really would have but at the time it felt quite real. Thinking about all the things I'd miss in my sister's life always put an end to those thoughts. I'd pretty much raised her and to think that I would miss her graduations, her first job, a wedding, getting to see her with her children. All that convinced me nothing was so bad that I could miss any of that.
I find it so extraordinarily sad that people who take their lives are in a place where they can't find even one thing worthy enough of sticking around. To feel such despair must be frightening.
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and if that doesn't keep you awake, nothing will.
Posted by: Kelly at October 30, 2003 5:38 AM