Fly on my sweet angel, fly on through the sky
Today she stopped breathing. We sat by her side for two days, telling stories and finding some sense of normalcy in the fact that she was still alive. Even though her body barely resembled the beautiful woman with so much life, her spirit was still there as she fought to stay alive. I whispered in her ear yesterday that it was okay to leave this earth and be free, that we would all be okay. I lied in hopes of offering her peace, or an escape from the hell that had become her body and brain. She continued to fight, breathing even though the rest of her organs had shut down. And just like that, she stopped. She could no longer fight. It was peaceful, I suppose.
But now I face a different world. For days I've wandered around angrily looking at people enjoying themselves and going about their lives. How could they laugh? Didn't they know that the most amazing woman was dying in a hospital room nearby? How dare they not grieve with me. But my mother would never want that, from her children, or the rest of the world. "I don't want anyone grieving over me and being morbid when I die," she'd say. "They have to party and eat and drink and laugh and tell stories about me."
My eyes sting from the flow of tears that won't stop. The permanence of death. To never see her smile again, or hear her laugh, or her beautiful singing voice, or her sense of humor. But I have to stop crying and celebrate her life as she requested. I owe her that. So I pour myself a glass of wine and cling it to the sky. Here's to you mom, whom I owe everything I am to, who has taught me how to love, how to laugh, and to never take this thing called life too seriously.
Posted at June 23, 2003 11:35 AM
Comments
i told summer and i will tell you now: you're in my thoughts.
through reading your words and knowing your daughter, i can only imagine how amazing your mother was. surely, such a spirit still soars.
Based on what you've written about your mother in the past few months was a successful person. Not in the common sense of the word, more on the spiritual level. It is easy to tell. Keep in mind the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson in the coming days and weeks and simply try to realize that since she made her mark on you and others, she will always be there.
"To laugh oftem and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. That is the meaning of success."
I hope these words bring you some comfort.
The loss of a loved one is never easy to accept. You are truly a wonderful daughter. You sat by her side through the whole thing. Honor her by attempting to celebrate her life and not her death! ((((HUGS))))
(hug)
that really sucks. i am very sorry. my thoughts are with you.
I'm so sorry. You honor your mother with your words.
While physically "gone," the impact of her life on yours (and the rest of your family's)will never fade. Precious memories...
I am truly sorry for your loss.
Peace,
k
You are definitely in my thoughts during this time of grief. I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly right now. I'm going through the same thing now with my 86 year old grandmother and have been relating to your entries of the constant aggravation. Again, I am sorry for your loss.
Oh Toni, I had no idea this site existed and today I just happened across it. All the platitudes in the world won't help, and I've never been real good at giving them anyway. For what it's worth, and in my humble opinion, you WILL see your Mom again--as I know I'll see mine. Now that we've reconnected, let's stay that way--and celebrate your Mom's greatness.
All my love -- Bev
I'm very sorry to hear the news. peace.
Sorry. We watched as my mom passed away as well and even though it was very hard to gradually see her go we were glad to be with her at the end. Take solace in that and take each day as it comes.
I'm so sorry for your loss... I just started reading your entries and they've touched me... Here's to knowing she'll always be with you in your heart and your memories! :)
Thinking...
and I'm sorry.
I've sooo sorry Toni.. please accept my condolences, I'm thinking of ya always...
I don't know how I'll handle it if something like that ever happens to my mom. It's so easy to empathize with someone else, but not be able to imagine yourself going through the same situation (kind of like why you were so mad to hear everyone laughing, while wondering "Don't they know that the most wonderful woman in the world has just died?"). They won't know what you're going through until it happens to them personally, and then (also like you) they'll have to deal with it in the best way they know how. Take care.
The above comment was posted by me.
I am thinking about you during this sad period in your life!
i've been reading your journal for a while now, and i've been wanting all this time to offer some words that could ease your pain in some way without ever finding them. i can only say that you are a wonderful example of the sort of child every parent should want to have. you love your mother and stood by her when others might have stepped back out of pain and fear. i wish you all the best.
i think you've got it right, darlin... celebrate her and celebrate the life, love, and laughter that she's given you. i'm sure it'll make her happy.
I wish I had a stupid parable or little saying that would take some of the pain away, but those are just empty consolation. The best I've got is a heartfelt "sorry." Sincerely, Chris Margeson
when something make me cry it isn`t always something
sad or awful. when something is coming straight from a heart straigth to mine it is reflected in my tears. your words remind me of one of the greatest gifts life has given to me... my ability to love.and i can owe this to my loving mother, always showing me that i`m worth to be loved, never mind my great mistakes, let me know i am not alone never. and all these things will keep her alive forever!
best wishes from me to you.
I just stumbled across a link to your journal and learned of your loss. Although I don't know you or your family, I lost my Mom a few years ago, and it isn't a reality that is accepted easily.
You and your family are in my thoughts.
(((A long, silent hug from a compassionate stranger)))
Even though I hadn't seen her in a while, I remember her as a great lady. I lost my father last year in Italy.
Hi,
I was just fooling around with the internet and decided to type my name in to yahoo and see what came up when I came across your sight.
Sorry for your loss...
Chris Margeson
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I'm so sorry, toni.
Posted by: gesikah at June 23, 2003 12:04 PM