Sunrise, sunset, swiftly go the days

When Andy was just 15, one of his best friends was shot by another close friend in a hideous gun accident. Kids goofing off and role playing, not realizing there was a bullet in the gun. Summer lost one of her first real boyfriends at age 16 in a car accident. Both of these tragic events affected both of their lives forever.

I've had relatives die, but rarely anyone young. I guess I've been lucky. When my sister at age 23 found out she had melanoma, a deadly skin cancer, I was faced with the possibility of losing someone I love more than anyone in this world. Luckily, the cancer hadn't spread so she beat it.

My fear of death has continued to plague me for some time, especially the fear of cancer. Knowing that this disease has invaded my mother’s breast, bones and brain is doing a real number on my mental state. I know my mother’s time is very limited so I soak up what’s left, trying to cram my lifetime into a few months. At the same time, looking at her is staring death in the face and it scares me. Sleep is a rarity these days and when I do sleep, nightmares invade my slumber.

Maybe it’s the Catholic school upbringing, but I fear everything surrounding death. The permanence, the uncertainty, caskets, cemeteries, mortuaries, ghosts. I don’t even like to drive by a funeral home. As self-centered as this sounds, I’m afraid to check off the organ donor box on my driver’s license in fear that the people praying for someone to die so they can get organs for their loved ones might over-power the people praying for me not to die if I were in a life-death situation. Too bad I don’t believe in shrinks because I could really use one right about now.