First rule of journalism

Exchange between Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert from the Daily
Show:

Stewart: What should the media's role be in covering the war?

Colbert: Very simply, the media's role should be the accurate and
objective description of the hellacious ass-whomping we're handing
the Iraqis.

Stewart: "Hellacious ass-whomping"? Now to me, that sounds pretty
subjective.

Colbert: Are you saying it's not an ass-whomping, Jon? I suppose
you could call it an ass-kicking or an ass-handing-to. Unless, of
course, you love Hitler.

Stewart [stammering]: I don't love Hitler.

Colbert: Spoken like a true Hitler-lover.

Stewart: Look, even some American generals have said that the
Iraqis have put up more resistance than they were expected to.

Colbert: First rule of journalism, Jon, is to know your sources.
Sounds like these "generals" of yours may be a little light in the
combat boots, if you know what I'm saying.

Stewart: I don't think I know what you're saying.

Colbert: I'm saying they're queers, Jon. They're Hitler-loving
queers.

Stewart: I'm perplexed. Is your position that there's no place for
negative words or even thoughts in the media?

Colbert: Not at all, Jon. Doubts can happen to everyone, including
me, but as a responsible journalist, I've taken my doubts, fears,
moral compass, conscience and all-pervading skepticism about the
very nature of this war and simply placed them in this empty Altoids
box. [Produces box.] That's where they'll stay, safe and sound,
until Iraq is liberated.

Stewart: Isn't it the media's responsibility in wartime ...

Colbert: That's my point, Jon! The media has no responsibility in
wartime. The government's on top of it. The media can sit this one out.

Stewart: And do what?

Colbert: Everything it's always wanted to do but had no time for:
travel, see the world, write that novel. I know the media has always
wanted to try yoga. This is a great time to take it up. It's very
stressful out there -- huge war going on. Jon, hear me out, it was
Thomas Jefferson who said, "Everyone imposes his own system as far
as his army can reach."

Stewart: Stephen, Stalin said that. That was Stalin. Jefferson said
he'd rather have a free press and no government than a government
and no free press.

Colbert: Well, what do you expect from a slave-banging, Hitler-loving
queer?